--bail me out, im just guilty for falling--

Monday, January 31, 2005

f\ dead soul \f

sigh, i last night tried to sleep at 8-9 like that.. cannot sleep, thou very tired of e day's event.. but i keep dont dare to close my eyes(dont know why) and i cant calm down, heart beat very fast.. then nvr sleep well, cry til wake still cry.. only one person know.. zz, these few nights keep crying.. beside my bed got e stuffs he bought me, some on displays.. he said these r to think of him, yea they truly didnt fail to do so.. he said to wear e watch everytime, i did.. now, i dont know what he wants.. honestly, no matter how fun e day was.. at night i still cry.. its something like the "one" is e world, and e world jst collapse by "one"..

im still young ba, a young failure.? i dont want such life, but i still want to hold on.. im waiting, waiting for you.. u said i have u, but i dont feel u.. i can understand of e things u r going thru, but im still frustrated inside..

back to e beginning, it was sec2 when i saw this guy at e bus stop.. i was curious, cos he seemed to live at my block.. then i found out he was in benson's class, so i said got this guy live at my block.. then i asked for his name.. that night i went home i tried to find him in e yr book, but i forgotten his name.. e next day i asked again, then i remember his name and saw him in e yr book.. i wondered how come so long then saw him.. then we met at mac ba.. somehow its benson who introed then he sms me one day.. then we chatted.. one day we went to watch a movie, Snow Dogs.. nobody want go so only we two, thats our first "date" ba.. but we never talk much, only laugh during e movie.. and then we watched Visible Secrets II and we chatted alot.. e screen showed blood ma, then he said his father painted that colour red onto e walls of a room.. then we said alot of stuffs ba, i said every morning wake up see blood.. then laugh laugh noh.. then i went for tuition, also saw him.. he abit no manners will talk back n such de noh.. then i jst laugh ba.. at first it was my da ge who will always fetch me home and he ride bicycle de, then one day we everynight walk home together noh.. ive found out many things about him ba, like he every week one gf.. then he asked me to be his gf, try for one week, i think its jst another game.. and i wont accept e guy who was currently wooing me, so i said anything.. every night we will sms chat, he always "say something about yourself".. then we shared stuffs noh.. actually he quite rich de, everytime treat me.. sometimes i cant stand him, no manners everytime talk back to adults.. then my frens all become his frens noh.. then there was jealousy, i was young i dont know what to do.. i left him after one month.. we like to watch Fact Or Fiction.. one day i went out ma, i asked him to tell me e stories.. so we met n he told me e stories at e top of e carpark.. then he told me "one month eh, his first time.. break is like a waste".. then after some while i think i went back.? then he sometimes visit my place cos he live downstairs, chat with my mother.. they both r Cancer.. then i and his mother r both Saggitarius.. our add everything same except e storey number.. then my mother quite like him, say go out must got him to be safe.. he also told me e song "Never had a dream come true" by S club 7 make him think of me.. then i told him "Im all about you" by Aaron cartor make me think of him.. we everyday go school together, go home together noh.. sometimes he late, sometimes very late.. i last time nvr thot of marrying him, cos hes too fun loving.. im actually anti social, loner type.. besides friends, i dont like to talk to strangers unless they approach me.. then i started not to go out with my big bros, cos i everytime only want to go out with him.. i left him 3-5 times like that ba, sometimes was cos i cannot handle my emotions well, i dont understand what im feeling(mostly jealousy).. but everytime he want to leave me, i stopped him.. then got one period was we every month take neoprint.. very nice noh.. but alot pics i dont have, cos my mother confiscated them.. my mother found out, then he was banned from my house ler cos they dont like him liao.. alot of tough times, got one period i had depression, i kept crying.. even having dinner with my parents, i jst cry out.. then my mother got so mad, she dragged me by e neck with a scissors.. very scary.. then i went out i jst cry out, got ppl talk to me noh.. during sec3, i learned to write essays.. i wrote what i think about life.. an adult told me, never to bottle up myself.. cos like a glass of water, it will overflow and spill.. my father told me i have a weak soul, cos i keep crying.. he likes to ask me if i have any problem, but my parents wont understand de.. cos, very hard to explain.. they have their own fixed thinking, somehow different from mine noh.. and my mother, like to judge ppl from e cover.. then back to him.. got one period i couldnt express myself well, i hardly show care to him.. he did ba, then he say me.. my frens say if i were to fall into e drain, he will be e first one to run n save me.. but actually, he wont cos he will be having fun with his frens that he wont notice me.. then got another period he cant express himself, and i cant read his mind so i dont know what to care for him.. i nvr reply his msg, he will scold me.. i wonder if i die, then i wont reply his msgs wa, he confirm will still scold me.. then we hardly talk on phone noh, cos i dont like.. got lah, one period he sometimes will call me, then i sometimes will call him(cos he ask me to).. then he got held back to normal stream, i abit disappointed ba but i still stay with him.. i was so worried then abit unsure cos i might be his senior one day, then one adult fren say its normal actually, so i didnt mind liao ba.. my parents got say if i wanna be with him, i can dont study just live with him.. i like to study actually, i wanna got something when i grow up.. during his exams, he nvr talk to me, neglected me abit.. during my o lvls, i reply his every msg and nvr neglect him.. unfair life ba.. ayy, alot of ups and downs actually.. tears, siann.. then remember i first time pongtang school with him, i said de isit.. then we went to carpark hide first, cos his house should be got ppl.. then clear liao went to his house, we slept in his parents room, play with e foot massager, got electricity de.. hahah, then sleep sleep, wake up liao i helped him brush his teeth.. so fun arh, then wore his shirt, we went to amk play arcade, then actually i felt abit scared eh, later tio lia.. yeah we did alot of stuffs arh, sometimes we at staircase or wherever do lovey dovey stuffs.. =S hahah but im still a virgin lah, even hes my first time in alot of things.. hmm honestly, i was rather happy when he say got rules this and that.. its kinda like an assurance to me.. yes im not his wife, but i jst feel uneasy and i wish to be one and only, probably i love him too much, than i should.. -to be continued-

i dont know what u want, what u thinking and feeling..
2 years plus, i cant forgive myself, i should forget..

if i stop dreaming. 11:41 AM +

Sunday, January 30, 2005

f\ 11.45pm heng i nvr tio gan \f

do you understand that movie.? u lousy lah, that movie quite nice noh.. abit fantasizing but got abit meaning and touching lah.. means if u think life is useless, jst end it.. hahah jkjk.. also be brave and stay at ur own stand.. siao, got one part i got tears in my eyes eh.. everytime i see or even think about losing part of a family, i sure cry de.. they got great family bond noh.. tmr needa wake up early, hope i got energy like e last time we played.. and good accuracy.. mostly is got mood and think fun then will got accuracy.. yeah~ nobody blog nowadays de.. oh ya, i bought my tucker cap which i eyed on ler.. so damm nice.. and i cant wait for farz to come back.. wee`

if i stop dreaming. 1:10 AM +

Friday, January 28, 2005

f\ friends hold ur hands, touch ur heart \f

dear friend, i saw ur email and u touched me actually.. i felt sad too.. at first i read, i thot u said im not last time de alicia anymore, u dont wanna be my friend eh.. hahah.. am i really pessimistic.? =S how do i say this.. well, actually from last year e period when school was ending, ive become tired and gloomy.. u asked of me before, from then on i didnt change i think.. e problem.? i dont really know, yes probably relationship, and probably something stuck inside.. i know myself, i know im not e past me who is always cheerful and rather noisy person anymore.. i did think of finding myself back, cos thats e real me ba.? maybe its not gloomy or what, ive become more serious ba, and sometimes sarcastic.. yea, i can imagine myself cheering everything out like u said.. dont know, now i never thot of that so i chose to just sit at one corner and look, thats what u meant right.. thank u for understanding i seldom share my problems, i will think about reorganising myself.. e best yrs in sec school will be abit of sec1.. and mainly sec2 and sec4.. cos we knew each other better and had lotsa fun.. special places, special days.. special memories i cant erase.. special people by my side.. all in a special space in my heart..

to mingli, sometimes u make me stress.. cos whenever im down, u somehow will be e first one to notice and sense somethings wrong with me.. but thanks, u r a great sis.. one day i will get better, and u r neither my burden..

to sy, heyy i had fun on ur bday.. i spent almost 50$ on that day, maybe cos of those gifts i bought for someone.. thankies for everything u've done for me actually..

to farz, we've been friends for e longest time.. somehow i like u very much and i treasure u.. gd luck on ur decisions in life, ur darling(my ss..bro) is a great person too, dont doubt him..

to huimin, long time no see and chat.. u r one of e nicest person to chat with, i enjoyed talkin to u in english lessons especially.. hahah.. hope to see u soon, cny.?

to gang of da ge ge, i told them before ler anyway.. e days i had with u all were e best days of my sec life actually, will never forget e memories we had.. though we've changed and less contact, we will remember one another.. somehow its them who started to show me e world ba..

to good friends, whenever im down, i know where to go to cheer me up.. heh, simple but rather effective.. cheer up too, its nai that de, thats life.. always :D and stay crazy and crappy.. and thankies for those being there for me at times.. dont know who said before saddists together will be happists..

to someone, that night i finally saw u.. but something held me back inside me, now i know.. u are not e guy i used to know and like very much of.. i dont know, you are just different.. many things different.. im uncertain of what to do with the matter, but im still waiting.. til i realise.. somehow, i want to delete all e photos and writings of us ive placed in all my public profiles, cos somehow they r pointless..

to e rest, life sometimes suks from e straw.. still, make yourself (you r e ruler of yourself) happy by living to e fullest(everybody sure knows).. just stir it with a spoon and top it up with ur favourite flavours of ice creams with sprinkles and cherries..

and i had fun with u all..

-*cheeros*-

if i stop dreaming. 1:26 PM +

Sunday, January 23, 2005

f\ a day at sentosa \f

and everybody had fun.. posing.. ;)

if i stop dreaming. 1:59 AM +

f\ 21st Jan`05 \f

wee` my fav.. friends under e moon..

if i stop dreaming. 1:19 AM +

f\ the champions ? \f

nice sunset, nice pic..

if i stop dreaming. 1:18 AM +

f\ kevin and e masterpiecers \f

wee` our masterpiece.. kevin became a pregnant woman.. =O

if i stop dreaming. 1:17 AM +

f\ cute girls \f

_giirllss ruulless`

if i stop dreaming. 1:01 AM +

Thursday, January 20, 2005

f\ if you're not the one \f

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms

-daniel bedingfield

if i stop dreaming. 10:39 PM +

f\ smile because it happened at e first place \f

yesterday [19\1] i woke up 8+ i think, then prepare went to meet mingli at yck mrt.. reached there then headed nyp, first impression was like a shopping mall.. then we registered, and we signed up for a tour guide thingy.. didnt know she wanna go where.. =X so i suggested designs, which im interested in.. heh, abit paiseh she sorta pei me.. then we reached too early ma, 11am then e tour start so we walked around.. they had bazaar sale then cca stations, then we went to seek for basketball courts.. hahah, e students there like dont know got basketball court de impression, we walked far til reach e basketball court.. yea its far and empty, and its surrounded by hockey, tennis court and what not..

then back to bazaar sale where wanted to buy their bikini 20$ but scared lousy quality so didnt buy.. hahah.. then e tour started, we went to e designs department, its all nice.. im loving their artworks and other masterpieces.. then e tour i find abit lousy(tour guiders siann) then after that we went to e auditorium.. where we looked at e various diplomas, yuan lai mingli prefer life science, its interesting too.. then i saw cell stuff, i only ask whats that and will move anot.. then e angmo lecturer kept talking mainly lookin at me, i felt so uneasy eh.. i bobian had to nod nod and "yes, yes" =S.. then we took free neoprints noh, got postcard, got keychain de, also got sticker de.. im kiasu so we took all.. then we took our photo in keychain de then we left to amk to find minqian..

we headed to np, not very far noh.. then we took bus reached there, my leg problem came again.. but i nvr say out lah, we jst walk.. that place appeared more lively cos of e ppl ba.. then we went to e convection centre where we asked afew qns on e different diplomas stuff.. minqian is interested in early childhood, mingli is life science still.. then im interested in film ba.. then i spotted kel n guodong.. after that we ate popcorn, saw arden, aaron and ronald.. then we went on bus tour.. first was e library where we bought bubble tea, then we went life science we ate free ice cream where they used chocolate mixture plus liquid nitrogen.. liquid nitrogen has temperature -190degrees if i nvr hear wrongly, then got one guy(mingli, yes i also think he looks cute) put biscuits, bread and cookies into e liquid nitrogen.. then we ate e frozen yet still got taste de food.. got smoke come outta our mouth and nose de, so fun.. then i took e bread, it stick onto my tongue and e side of my mouth then i dont know where bled.. drank water noh..

after that went to e film department, waa like so fun noh.. then we went home.. i and minqian took bus at amk then saw kel again.. hahah, then i every minute will think of darlin de ma.. i think why he say i waste his money eh.. in e email i wrote to him days before my birthday and told him dont spend so much money.. its he who said happy nvm, then went work earn money jst for my presents which i nvr knew anything about him working.. its all his choice, why he blamed me.. he only sms me meh, i dont believe eh.. then i think, since im such a burden and i like him so much.. i dont mind letting him go abit so i said i help him save money dont sms so much, its like im in wrong.. everything blame me again.. i really dont understand ler.. we more than a month nvr truly see each other ler, most of my days cried away.. he only one day said he missed me, but everything is like one big false hope.. mingli said when attached, our heart will feel locked.. then we dont like\dare talk to other guys or what, i agreed and its quite true for some ppl.. so long nvr see him, i see our photos, i will think "so sweet.. oo~ thats my darlin".. abit numb ba -.=

anyway then today went nyp again, abit tired nowadays but nvm.. i pei sy go noh, her bday ma.. saw john again, alex again, tzewei noh.. then she wanted to see business so we went, not so bad lah but not into my interest.. then we walked around, went to bazaar sale bought some gifts.. haixx, happy buying and thinking of him but i felt abit uncertain actually.. anyway then we saw nansen, then we watched tug-o-war, very funny when e ppl fell.. hahah.. then talked to liang.. nvm nvm skipp skipp(copy u), some msgs she saw eh.. anyway haixx gd luck, fren.. thankies for agreeing im e.. whahahah =X but im humble.. then i asked sy if she thot i forgotten her bday, cos we talked from yesterday night and got ppl wished her infront of us, i still no reaction nvr wish dao her.. hahah, wee` i successfully gave her abit of fright.. after that we went to bishan to catch a movie, didnt have what we wanna watch, we anyhow watch elektra.. saw hoechuan with a girl and we went to e same movie.. then e movie only e fighting nice ba, and quite touching at e end noh.. then we window shopping, everything is so nice to see and buy =S.. near cny then buy, now abit broke.. then had fun taking and decorating(unlimited time, we took about 45mins.?) our neoprints.. how i wished i have a scanner or a camera with e cable connected to my comp, i wish to upload many many pics.. and she said she was happy, im felt happy too.. ^^ im e.. err.. skipp skipp.. whahah, jk..

if i stop dreaming. 9:01 PM +

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

f\ 15th jan 05 \f

_wee` me, benson, gwyneth, ferline and flora at changi chalet_

if i stop dreaming. 1:36 AM +

Monday, January 17, 2005

f\ twenty five minutes \f

After some time I've finally made up my mind
She is the girl and I really want to make her mine
I'm searching everywhere to find her again
To tell her I love her
And i'm sorry & 'bout the things I've done

I find her standing in front of the church
The only place in town where I didn't search
She looks so happy in her weddingdress
But she's crying while she's saying this

Chorus:
Boy I've missed your kisses all the time but this is
Twenty five minutes too late
Though you travelled so far boy i'm sorry your are
Twenty five minutes too late

Against the wind i'm going home again
Wishing me back to the time when we were more than friends

But still I see her in front of the church
The only place in town where I didn't search
She looked so happy in her weddingdress
But she cryed while she was saying this

Chorus

Out in the streets
Places where hungry hearts have nothing to eat
Inside my head
Still I can hear the words she said

Chorus

I can still hear her say

-Michael Learns To Rock

if i stop dreaming. 10:12 PM +

f\ chalet jan`05 \f

14th Jan
woke up at 8am, it was terrible.. fast forward til 1++ we were e early birds, reached there too early.. so we prepare e place abit, went to arcade play abit game.. teach me bad seh, e machine lousy can use straw to dig for tokens.. hahah, quite fun lah.. then went back, around 3++ rex keep calling, and i was left all alone in e house.. very tired wanted to sleep in e room upstairs, but he keep calling and e phone was downstairs and my hp spoilt, until 4 then managed to sleep.. around 5+ i woke up, timing jst right saw rex and milky in front of me and rex was gonna di siao me.. scared e hell outta me, i didnt scream but i covered myself with e pillow got shocked, they laughed.. -.= i didnt know how they came into e house, then around 6+ i went down, they said one of e doors not locked.. lucky nobody came in..

then rex melted a big block of chocolate, very nice to eat.. we dipped marshmallows, strawberries, banana, cherries.. it was so called heaven.. then they whole day play e ps2 soccer game, keep asking me sian anot.. then more ppl come liao.. then started to bbq and cook instant noodles.. abit pathetic but still nice to eat.. got nuggets, chicken wings, sausages.. i got do e bbq, so i get to eat something, e rest still keep on playing e one and only soccer ps2 game.. and there were less people ba, so eat til not so bad.. then some more ppl came, then pei my friend walk walk.. we chatted, walk one round then came back..

then around 1, go play bowling.. one game only cos 1.30 all must close.. i very lousy lah, hand pain then keep sliding wanna fall.. too long nvr play become lousy.. then we went back.. then afew of us talk noh, talk sad stuff, then talk about gb, then talk about movies.. saddists corner, heh.. e rest was havin fun playing memory game arh.. then i lose my voice, either cos of e liquor or heaty.. then kev go put e liquor into e chocolate, tasted nothing much but e chocolate cannot eat liao.. then kev whole day long blast techno, all e songs i also know liao.. then e guys slept on beds, girls slept on floor de.. only rex sleep with us on e floor.. freezing and hard arh, then i went down drank warm water, and took lozenges from leong.. then we chatted abit and it was 5+ eh.. then chat til really no voice eh, force out e voice til zhao xia, still kena laughed at..

then leong asked me go sleep, so went up sleep.. he sat near me, dont know he doing what, too dark cannot see.. then he left awhile i sleep liao ba, i only had a blanket.. =S

15th jan
slept for less than 4hours, went down stop e techno music.. then went up lie down, too cold so went to adjust e air con.. then went down talk and see them play soccer game.. then liang gave me a pillow, so good finally got pillow.. then i still tired so lied on e floor with pillow and blanket.. didnt know can sleep, but got listurbed.. awhile really slept then some had to leave so i lie on e bed, quite nice de.. then somemore ppl came.. benson gave me my bday n xmas present, thankies im loving them.. benson's still at my house.. then i ate abit here and there, hungry so ate oak drink..

then i and flo pei benson took bus, he was going to his class bbq.. then we walked back, rest went to play bowling.. then liang brought e ps2 games all fighting, all he knew how to play.. such a cheat, hard to win him eh.. then i tired, so lie there.. then some came back, and on love songs.. on so loud and i was sleepin near e speaker, all e songs made my heart sank eh.. anyway, then some guys play black jack, i helped wx won abit when he was away eh.. play til 8+ arh, have to cook ler.. then got soccer liverpool vs man.u.. les and wx support liverpool then i anyhow say man.u will win then bet with wx 2$, man.u really won 1-0 but never mind about e bet..

e neighbours quite good, gave us some food.. then we played daidee, keep di siao e yuda.. quite funny lah.. then food very hard to get eh.. cos got more ppl ler.. then went play bowling, i still lousy.. then boon quite funny de.. after that went play pool with lun, i became lousy also.. keep losing him, he very good treat me.. we also play photo hunt til e place close, then walk back.. went back then very siann and sad, then got things happened.. later some went up talk noh, i so sleepy eh.. kev beside me keep collapsin, so i gave him my pillow let him lie down.. later i also lie down ler, they dont know talkin what, some funny some boliao de.. then js said go och, i tired but abit feel like going so go noh.. then lun keep listurb me, -.=..

so some went, then we walked out at arnd 5, then want climb over gate.. climb til nearly sprang my ankle, can go out from main gate de noh.. then we walked on e road, nice morning breeze.. then got signalled lorries to stop, none stopped.. signalled taxi, js play play.. but we too many ppl ler, got 16 ba.. we walked for an hour plus, they keep askin taxi how to go.. we walk to expo, an ite, then to e current changi hospital.. then say wan continue walk, some wanna give up.. then got two taxi came, we took taxi go there.. boon is a crazy fella, everytime see me will say "88 full".. hahah, i think its he who is then gb crazy..

then yuan lai e place so far seh, near pasir ris there.. js bluff me say reach there will not regret.. it was a boliao trip, nothing de.. shld split then follow kev they all, i didnt know eh.. brought us to boliao rooms and lifts and roof top, then boon kept saying got ppl then dont go.. walk til i regretted eh, i rather sleep with pillow and blanket and air con.. lucky some half way went back, including me.. they continued to walk ma, say got another place, in e end they walked one round back to e place.. hahah, toot si ler.. so went back sleep, 10.30 must book out.. sleep for less than 2hrs eh, so tired.. everything hao ler, some took bus, some took taxi, some took mrt.. we took bus to tpy then ate long john silver.. then took bus home.. waa, still want another chalet.. wee`

if i stop dreaming. 3:28 PM +

Sunday, January 16, 2005

f\ raining and tearing \f

things are different, cause we got tired, making our own decisions.. people change things change, just waiting patiently.. what we expected change.. what do we expect are different.. our decision to be together made me happy, it then became a false hope.. we didnt really start over.. and you became heartless, my heart became shattered even more.. empty, lost..

Welcome To My Life
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just dont belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you dont know what its like
When nothing feels alright
You dont know what its like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When youre down
To feel like youve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no ones there to save you

No you dont know what its like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside youre bleeding

No you dont know what its like
When nothing feels alright
You dont know what its like to be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When youre down
To feel like youve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no ones there to save you

No you dont know what its like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think Im happy
But Im not gonna be ok!

Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You dont know what its like
What its like!

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When youre down
To feel like youve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no ones there to save you

No you dont know what its like (what its like)
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When youre down
To feel like youve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no ones there to save you

No you dont know what its like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

-Simple Plan

if i stop dreaming. 8:04 PM +

Thursday, January 13, 2005

f\ three words, one meaning, says it all \f

going to pack my bag soon, then sleep ler.. then morning wake up accompany friend to buy groceries..
wee` abit excited liao ba.. kevin told me the place everything also got, tv radio just name it.. seems like a comfortable place, but if i go there sian i maybe going home ba.. cos not many i close with de.. =S

naw so sad eh.. like nowadays girls r so thick skin..
hear liao like so disappointed eh.. dont know what ppl thinking de..
i scared they snatch away him.. =S
anyway i still hate everything and everyone around him lah, like crazy but dont know why de.. just feel this way, dont like..
cannot touch my darlin or talk to him de.. x)

hmm, continue e true story, its now de.. thou the guy still love her.. everytime she check on him time after time calling him and msging him.. he will give her an attitude, as if fed up but he will deny he is not.. the girl is going to start her school, she could go home late if she wants, because her mother will be working.. he is going on national service, he is afraid of what she is going to do out there, will she repeat.? its going to be mental torture for him.. as national service is like jail and he cant do anything, to even stop her.. he is afraid to talk to her as he is afraid to know anymore nasty truth.. before all these, he was a happy person.. he looked forward every meeting with her as her parents are strict and she is hardly allowed to go out.. now he is broken, he wanted to cry but its useless isnt it.. he dare not think too much, its worthless, WORTHLESS.. he cried when he thot one day when she was working, she had a break, she asked him to go accompany her.. but he was too far, by the time he reached there, her break will be over, so she called e second bf(he still didnt know).. and then he thot they might hug or something.. bcos he also found out his gf called that guy "dear" too.. but he thot he might be thinking too much.. WTH?! thick skinned siao zhar bo, make ppl disgusted seh.. LISGUSTED.. x( hahah, sorry got aggressive..

miss my darlin..
oops~ i never said i miss him before.. cannot stubborn liao i cant help hidding my feelings anymore..
wish to see him soon eh, i wanna hug him and muacks him and hold him tight tight.. =X
haixx.. really wonder every minute what he doing, where he is..
but its hard to ask, im still afraid to be upset..

if i upset, i will keep crying.. then will sian ler..
what to do, can easily say forget it, but things always get stuck in my mind..
go there san san xin, everyday think nonsense is useless, also nothing to do, nobody to talk to..
yeah, got ppl pei me play gb also quite good ler thou.. good friend =D

marry me, i will look after u 24\7.. then i will be very happy..
ur friends call i will say "he has a wife, stop calling".. my friends call i will say "i have a husband, stop calling"..
crazy, cannot be selfish de eh.. dreaming azz..

i go learn alot of stuff eh, like read then hear ppl say their stories.. i have to wait patiently for a relationship to be serious ba, then start to have mature thinkings.. i think its like that.. then he play, i also shld play first ba.. i will try to talk to more ppl then.. hahah, i last time is thot of gettin a big guy(really like macho, abit fat and strong but not violent de) then he will always be faithful and protective towards me, but still dotes me, then very gentle and listens to me.. like that noh.. then that time my bday he said wan make me happy and got surprise.. i thot he will get me something i really really like eh.. =X but still nice lah, still like them noh.. put beside my bed like u said, later turn black eh.. e minnie mouse de hood broke wor, i dont know why.. =(

hahah, remember i tell my friend to say sweet stuffs to his gf, then i said i really wish to hear those eh.. i hardly get to hear this kinda stuff de, so i really do.. one night my long term bro came talk to me eh, then he said im his precious.. hahah.. i said i dont wish to be his precious, i wanna be my darlin's precious.. then if these kinda sibling stuff is still normal friends, why still wanna call special name eh, its somehow closer isnt it.. dont understand u, i never say u flirt, but u admit u r really playful.. then say what.. its ur wrong, deserve to be ignored, wont happen again, then still got its nothing.. craps.. hate everybody, kns.. eek.! must go relax cant think these kinda stuff liao lah.. suay that i keep remembering stuff, but u forget then.. zz~ be back on sunday.. later..

if i stop dreaming. 11:15 PM +

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

f\ forever love \f

loving you
is not only because you're beautiful
im loving you more and more everyday
your every movement and expression touches me deeply
because you let me see forever and understood myself
our future must be treasured

loving me
may have some pain and some unfairness
if you really love me
it musn't be just a simple choice without much thought
your every breathe is like a miracle by my ear
your gentleness smoothed my discomfort
so i wanna be by your side and watch your smile, everyday, so natural, so beautiful

forever love... forever love
i only wanna spend my lifetime loving you*
from now onwards
you're all my happiness

love is the most beautiful journey
the rain might make us stumble at times
but your warmth is like the sun, shining brightly always
miraculously easing my discomfort
unbelievable it may seem
but that only shows my love for you
pure and natural, forever

your movedd eyes, my silent voice
they are the best evidence
once again, i'll love you
till the end, forever

-leehom

if i stop dreaming. 10:55 PM +

f\ endless love \f

HIM: My love,
There`s only you in my life
The only thing that`s bright

HER: My first love,
You`re every breath that I take
You`re every step I make

HIM: And I
HER: I-I-I-I-I
HIM: I want to share
BOTH: All my love with you

HIM: No one else will do..
HER: And your eyes
HIM: Your eyes, your eyes
BOTH: They tell me how much you care
Ooh yes, you will always be
My endless love

BOTH: Two hearts, Two hearts that beat as one
Our lives have just begun
HER: Forever
HIM: Ohhhhhh
BOTH: I`ll hold you close in my arms
I can`t resist your charms

HER: And love
HIM: Oh, love
BOTH: I`ll be a fool
For you, I`m sure
HER: You know I don`t mind
HIM: Oh, you know I don`t mind

BOTH: `Cause you,
You mean the world to me Oh
HER: I know
HIM: I know
BOTH: I`ve found in you
My endless love

HIM: Oooh-woow
BOTH: Boom, boom Boom, boom, boom, boom, booom Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom

BOTH: Oooh, and love
HIM: Oh, love
BOTH: I`ll be that fool
For you, I`m sure
HER: You know I don`t mind
HIM: Oh you know-
BOTH: I don`t mind
BOTH: And, YES You`ll be the only one
`Cause NO one can deny
This love I have inside
And I`ll give it all to you

HIM: My love
HER: My love, my love
BOTH: My endless love

-Lionel Ritchie + Diana Ross

if i stop dreaming. 10:14 PM +

f\ please forgive me \f

It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss
It`s getting better baby
No one can better this
Still holding on
You`re still the one
First time our eyes met
Same feeling I get
Only feels much stronger
I wanna love you longer
Do you still turn the fire on?

So if you`re feeling lonely, don't
You`re the only one I`ll ever want
I only want to make it go
So if I love you a little more than I should ...

Please forgive me, I know not what I do
Please forgive me, I can`t stop loving you
Don`t deny me, this pain I`m going through
Please forgive me, if I need you like I do
Please believe me (Oh believe it), every word I say is true
Please forgive me, I can`t stop loving you

-Bryan Adams

if i stop dreaming. 10:11 PM +

f\ true story \f

once there was a couple, they knew each other through their friends.. they became together after a few weeks later, although the time they started to know each other is short, they had good chemistry.. the only problem was they stayed very far, but they everyday chatted through phone and sms without fail.. the girl became protective, she disallow him to go out and play.. she disallow him to talk to other girls or meet them, or else she will ignore him for life.. he was mad, he didnt wish to be controlled.. they started to discuss about it, he have to have his own freedom, and he needed her to believe his love for her will never fail.. she agreed, but she still call and sms him time after time to check on him.. it was alright for him cos he dont mind, he knew it was also out of concern.. she went to work, he every morning had to wake up early and fetch her to her workplace which was even far from their houses.. but he still fetch her go and home late at night without fail.. after a few months of relationship, she had another boyfriend and the nasty truth was hidden from him.. as her second boyfriend was a friend of her boyfriend, one day they chatted.. the second boyfriend then realised that guy was her boyfriend, and they even had a couple of months of relationship, yet the second boyfriend had only a week of relationship with her.. he didnt know.. the guy was furious, yet heartbroken.. he wanted to scold her, but he didnt want to lose her.. he confronted her, told and warned her everything.. she said back stuff as if she was not in the wrong.. he could not trust her, and neither could he respect her, as she didnt respect him in the first place.. yes he went out with girls, but he only wanted to chat and sometimes have some fun, not into any relationships with them.. she thinks she is not wrong, he thinks it is wrong.. how to live with someone of different thinking, yet loving the one always.. disappointed again and again, yet do not wish to lose the half of their love.. fustrations, confused.. cry, cry, cry, nvr eat, nvr sleep.. all for what, useless.! am going crazy, so many songs are making me tear, whats the real decision anyway..

if i stop dreaming. 9:29 PM +

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

f\ never ending song \f

eek.. i must be going crazy.. i decorate e pic hao liao and put in profile, then i think its rubbish.. anyway he always say i die he also wont care.. zz, forget it really forget it ma.. eek, life so suks.. bbyex ma.? still nothing, gdbye liao ba, he dont want me ler ba.. to not know is better than to know ba.. dont care liao ba, what can i say.. everything upsets me, and i cant do anything i cant help myself.. i can feel e feelings for him there, its presence is always there, even if its not strong at times.. so what if im tearing, and so alone and everyday at home.. waiting for shyt happens.? he really want me find someone better, isit really that easy anyway.. many things matter.. maybe he should find someone suitable for him ba.. he happy hao ler.. i dont even wish to be happy, my heart keep sinking, suky feeling.. why last time he cried anyway, and do those silly stuff, i dont understand liao.. if i knew i`d become like this, i shldnt have started wanna be with him, break still want patch.. why last time i dont mind and think so much, now i everything mind and think so much about everything.. i dont understand what i thinkin liao, so much nasty stuff.. i dont wish to control him or expecting him to stick to me only and always wa, why do i have to be this way.. and everybody does mistakes, why i cant forgive and forget liao.. i dont know what i want liao, dont want anything better ba.. let it be an experience.? maybe we r too young for this, cant handle very well.. its not i wanna become this way de, i dont even know how i become like this.. maybe its a linkage of stuff upsetted me, why cant i take it.. haixx.. i dont know we r over or what, let it be.? i know e way im talkin to u its like dont wish to talk to u, but i really wish to know what u do all that de, but sometimes its cos i really dont like(but what can i do, i dont wish to stop u), so i like that but im rather glad u let me know.. if u let me know, i wont think that much too, right..? its really sad some things dont wish to know, but someone else tells me or ownself see.. i know myself, i know what will upset me, but u dont know.. u know, no matter how u explain, it always make no sense, i dont know why.. actually u r different ler, last time u got abit sensitive, i know.. but now maybe cos u r doing those stuff, then dont mind ler ba.. upsettin stuff i sure dont wish to know, what can i do.. what can i do if i remember so many stuff u said to me, too bad if u forgotten.. how much do u know anyway, keep givin shyt promises then deny.. we have gone far and been together for so long, what really matters truly.? are we really fated or what not, hey i feel we look alike.. =S oo well, i dont know him i dont know anything liao.. although he is not everything, he is still something .?

if i stop dreaming. 5:50 PM +

Thursday, January 06, 2005

f\ reality of fantasy \f

nothing to do, so i decorate my gloomy azzes pic and put it up.. hahah, dont know isit a good spot anot, and i put my photo in my profile too.. so tired eh still cannot sleep well noh.. hmm, dont know who is unknown, i scared is someone i dont like, hahah, jk.. most ppl dont know alot ppl care for them, cos they nvr show.. thats what i learn noh.. so i gone to cut my hair, my mama say dont look like ahlian, dont look like guaikia, gam gam ho.. i thot i look like guai kia eh.. hmm, actually i dont really understand what unknown was referring.. does he/she meant my decision was break with darlin, thats my path and i have to move on and cannot sad and cannot think of my past.? i think so ba, but i dont think we break liao noh, thou i dont know what we r, we certainly did not break, we dont know much about each other and also not friends.. yes(think e way im talkin to him he also know), im not ready, im not ready to face him either.. x.X" im like waiting for e both of us ba, but think to him he is waiting for me only.. i dont even know what am i now, i dont seek happiness.. im contented, but i looking for reassurance and trust eh.. but i like have nothing to care about, cos im afraid to ask, im afraid of hurting myself.. haixx.. i simply love Teenage Nov`04 issue, got one letter i can read again and again, and my horoscope is so true.. eek.! yesterday my mama talk to me til midnight eh, we talk from this topic then link to another then to another topic.. then she got say til her relationship noh.. she shared that she had two real relationship only.. first one was she love at first sight, she liked e guy alot.. but e guy not very mature so dont know love ba.. so this kinda guy "use" e girl to pei him go out and play noh, fun fun only.. hardly talk to her, but he was fun to be with noh.. hmm, my friend say my darlin use me eh, sometimes i do feel that way, but sometimes we quite get along de, i dont know whats love either.. so back to e story, so then my papa came.. my papa is e best lah(even i have crush on his young self in passport photo, i keep it in my drawer, heh), he everyday call her talk to her.. everyday talk, then thou she got sometimes go out with her previous, she said she slowly grew apart from him.. until e day he begged her to come back to him, she said too late, its over.. then my mama and papa together for 6yrs then marry.. =D then like that noh, got me got my didi got my meimei.. the end.. then actually tmr (friday 7th jan) is our last time break then patch de 4th months noh.. see i remember.. =S alot ppl say girls will remember how long they stead with their bf eh.. i never.. =X i dont remember any dates, i lost my last time de diary.. ='( got alot of stuff de, i think i one day read everything then think its e past then threw away eh.. eek.! why u all pangseh me here.. Lol~

if i stop dreaming. 9:24 PM +

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

f\ broken or beautiful.dream or die \f

omigod, whats wrong with you.?

so many people, so little time..
so many people, nobody to talk to..
so many people, nothing to do..
so many people, few understand..
so many people, whats fated and destined..
so many people, who showed care..
so many people, can they make u happy..
so many people, where am i.?

melancholic melodies.. siann.. tired..

if i stop dreaming. 11:10 PM +

Monday, January 03, 2005

f\ bitter sweet memories \f

this day was one of my happiest and memorable day.. it was mooncake festival, at night my school had an event noh.. so i went with my friends, while my darlin went with his frens.. quite fun then, the mooncake festival in my another blog entry.. it was a very fun day correct ler.. then i was with my friends then play and eat.. he was with his frens, but i dont like his frens de.. so didnt really care about him, thot he might have fun among themselves, he also never really came and play with me.. then he gone eh, i cannot see him anywhere.. i so sad noh, thou i like fun fun with my friends, i very sad eh.. he never sms never tell me where he went.. i thot he go happy hour with his frens eh.. kns, i in e bus, my friends talk i dont feel like talking.. i went home crying noh, i forgotten he got msg me "sleep liao ma".. even got, i didnt want to reply.. i cried til i fell asleep.. then e next day we were supposed to go swimming and Chinese Garden see e disney lanterns arh.. i didnt feel like going swimming eh, cos i still upset and angry ba.. then he like buai song, he said i never spare a thot for him(as always).. cos sometimes he like to do de things, i dont like(ive got no interest in many things, not like him).. then i think think, haixx, forget it.. give in noh, so we meet eh.. we meet liao, i still no mood, so i dont feel like talking, give black black face.. he dont know noh, then he got hong me abit, but i still upset lah.. then he abit fed up liao, then his turn buai song.. til e dont know how many bus came liao, i said lets go up.. then i pulled him.. on e bus i finally cried noh, cried quite alot of times, then i finally told him why.. he first time we stead so long arh, i cry he comfort me eh.. he last time everytime scold me when i cry eh, even got dont care me eh.. then i better liao.. then i cry again, i really looked forward to e day eh since e day he said wan bring me go.. so fun go swimmin with darlin then go see e lanterns which he bought e tickets.. then i like that, like ruin his day noh.. then i forgotten what he said ba.. then very happy ba, we swam, swam hao ler.. we go see e disney lanterns.. thou only walk and took photo, but very happy and fun noh.. actually i like got write before in my previous blog then i end e entry with "i love you, darlin".. =D

if i stop dreaming. 2:30 PM +

f\ i want u and ur beautiful soul \f

yuan lai i can go aust with my fren eh.. too bad i nvr tell my parents about it.. maybe, i go visit for a week or so.?

i nvr cry that much liao, but i still cant eat and sleep well eh.. hmm, got ppl whom we can understand each other.. why i nvr ask my good fren be my bro eh.. cos i dont wan listurb him and his dear noh.. one can cos of frens jealous, can also die cos of 'closer frens'.. yes, i say my darlin ugly eh.. but different ppl got different thinking, some sure think he is handsome, some may even think hes their type.. some gf may be proud and think "waa, my darlin so attractive, hes e best.. heng i got him".. but some will think "wah lao, wan snatch my bf arh.. so thick skin, go to hell arh.!".. got ppl ask me jst try stead thou he know i got bf eh, then some ppl can like interact more liao, then become closer, later snatch e bf over eh.. he wont know i care for him and like him too much.. he matters so much cos hes my everything.. i know he sure stress eh, cos he dont understand, maybe he think simpler.. see, thou i know he is faithful, why i still so protective.. i now trying very hard to control myself ler.. i trying not to think about stuff, and think too much.. i wan try to forget, if i want dont care, i maybe wont care at all eh.. but i cant noh.. ive past relationship and cried for afew months, i can forget eh.. i got prepare to cry for two yrs, cos got ppl like that before, then they nvr die.. hahah.. then why i last time can easily accept and forget stuff, cos i last time thot its jst a game, then like nothing really important.. now its hard to forgive and forget..

lost contact means lost contact.. wont talk means wont talk ler.. ive known a guy for more than two full months, we understand each other, i then fell in love eh.. too bad i and my darlin started out as jst a game(maybe i was heartbroken, so i said to darlin anything.. but thou that guy came back, i reject him many times.. which was past lah), it was probably a bad start ba.. i believe once i tear, im always broken eh.. cos i cant forget.. mafia bro say stead for 6months with his darling, 1month of departure is somehow nothing.. cos he know they love each other and gone thru many things.. this shows bond strong.. beng bro say stead for 2months liao, meet his dear 10times only, then they learn to give in and take also.. thou they dont know my prob, somehow comforted me.. but then mafia bro said if he saw his darling with another guy, he said its the end of their game.. then my good friend's bf left her again, cos got guy keep touching her at her workplace.. harsh eh.. -.= like me.? but people have their own reason.. things happen also got reason..

oei lah, thou i know i have my own problem haven settle.. still want help others, shes my good fren noh.. and u also want me help u buy stuff.. dont lazy lah.. i almost everyday de whole day see u online, i also feel sian for u.. i almost everyday de whole day online arh, my parents scold me liao noh.. hahah.. yeaa, after this post.. i gonna write one of my happiest and memorable day noh.. lalala.. then change blogskin liao..

if i stop dreaming. 2:04 PM +