--bail me out, im just guilty for falling--

Monday, January 31, 2005

f\ dead soul \f

sigh, i last night tried to sleep at 8-9 like that.. cannot sleep, thou very tired of e day's event.. but i keep dont dare to close my eyes(dont know why) and i cant calm down, heart beat very fast.. then nvr sleep well, cry til wake still cry.. only one person know.. zz, these few nights keep crying.. beside my bed got e stuffs he bought me, some on displays.. he said these r to think of him, yea they truly didnt fail to do so.. he said to wear e watch everytime, i did.. now, i dont know what he wants.. honestly, no matter how fun e day was.. at night i still cry.. its something like the "one" is e world, and e world jst collapse by "one"..

im still young ba, a young failure.? i dont want such life, but i still want to hold on.. im waiting, waiting for you.. u said i have u, but i dont feel u.. i can understand of e things u r going thru, but im still frustrated inside..

back to e beginning, it was sec2 when i saw this guy at e bus stop.. i was curious, cos he seemed to live at my block.. then i found out he was in benson's class, so i said got this guy live at my block.. then i asked for his name.. that night i went home i tried to find him in e yr book, but i forgotten his name.. e next day i asked again, then i remember his name and saw him in e yr book.. i wondered how come so long then saw him.. then we met at mac ba.. somehow its benson who introed then he sms me one day.. then we chatted.. one day we went to watch a movie, Snow Dogs.. nobody want go so only we two, thats our first "date" ba.. but we never talk much, only laugh during e movie.. and then we watched Visible Secrets II and we chatted alot.. e screen showed blood ma, then he said his father painted that colour red onto e walls of a room.. then we said alot of stuffs ba, i said every morning wake up see blood.. then laugh laugh noh.. then i went for tuition, also saw him.. he abit no manners will talk back n such de noh.. then i jst laugh ba.. at first it was my da ge who will always fetch me home and he ride bicycle de, then one day we everynight walk home together noh.. ive found out many things about him ba, like he every week one gf.. then he asked me to be his gf, try for one week, i think its jst another game.. and i wont accept e guy who was currently wooing me, so i said anything.. every night we will sms chat, he always "say something about yourself".. then we shared stuffs noh.. actually he quite rich de, everytime treat me.. sometimes i cant stand him, no manners everytime talk back to adults.. then my frens all become his frens noh.. then there was jealousy, i was young i dont know what to do.. i left him after one month.. we like to watch Fact Or Fiction.. one day i went out ma, i asked him to tell me e stories.. so we met n he told me e stories at e top of e carpark.. then he told me "one month eh, his first time.. break is like a waste".. then after some while i think i went back.? then he sometimes visit my place cos he live downstairs, chat with my mother.. they both r Cancer.. then i and his mother r both Saggitarius.. our add everything same except e storey number.. then my mother quite like him, say go out must got him to be safe.. he also told me e song "Never had a dream come true" by S club 7 make him think of me.. then i told him "Im all about you" by Aaron cartor make me think of him.. we everyday go school together, go home together noh.. sometimes he late, sometimes very late.. i last time nvr thot of marrying him, cos hes too fun loving.. im actually anti social, loner type.. besides friends, i dont like to talk to strangers unless they approach me.. then i started not to go out with my big bros, cos i everytime only want to go out with him.. i left him 3-5 times like that ba, sometimes was cos i cannot handle my emotions well, i dont understand what im feeling(mostly jealousy).. but everytime he want to leave me, i stopped him.. then got one period was we every month take neoprint.. very nice noh.. but alot pics i dont have, cos my mother confiscated them.. my mother found out, then he was banned from my house ler cos they dont like him liao.. alot of tough times, got one period i had depression, i kept crying.. even having dinner with my parents, i jst cry out.. then my mother got so mad, she dragged me by e neck with a scissors.. very scary.. then i went out i jst cry out, got ppl talk to me noh.. during sec3, i learned to write essays.. i wrote what i think about life.. an adult told me, never to bottle up myself.. cos like a glass of water, it will overflow and spill.. my father told me i have a weak soul, cos i keep crying.. he likes to ask me if i have any problem, but my parents wont understand de.. cos, very hard to explain.. they have their own fixed thinking, somehow different from mine noh.. and my mother, like to judge ppl from e cover.. then back to him.. got one period i couldnt express myself well, i hardly show care to him.. he did ba, then he say me.. my frens say if i were to fall into e drain, he will be e first one to run n save me.. but actually, he wont cos he will be having fun with his frens that he wont notice me.. then got another period he cant express himself, and i cant read his mind so i dont know what to care for him.. i nvr reply his msg, he will scold me.. i wonder if i die, then i wont reply his msgs wa, he confirm will still scold me.. then we hardly talk on phone noh, cos i dont like.. got lah, one period he sometimes will call me, then i sometimes will call him(cos he ask me to).. then he got held back to normal stream, i abit disappointed ba but i still stay with him.. i was so worried then abit unsure cos i might be his senior one day, then one adult fren say its normal actually, so i didnt mind liao ba.. my parents got say if i wanna be with him, i can dont study just live with him.. i like to study actually, i wanna got something when i grow up.. during his exams, he nvr talk to me, neglected me abit.. during my o lvls, i reply his every msg and nvr neglect him.. unfair life ba.. ayy, alot of ups and downs actually.. tears, siann.. then remember i first time pongtang school with him, i said de isit.. then we went to carpark hide first, cos his house should be got ppl.. then clear liao went to his house, we slept in his parents room, play with e foot massager, got electricity de.. hahah, then sleep sleep, wake up liao i helped him brush his teeth.. so fun arh, then wore his shirt, we went to amk play arcade, then actually i felt abit scared eh, later tio lia.. yeah we did alot of stuffs arh, sometimes we at staircase or wherever do lovey dovey stuffs.. =S hahah but im still a virgin lah, even hes my first time in alot of things.. hmm honestly, i was rather happy when he say got rules this and that.. its kinda like an assurance to me.. yes im not his wife, but i jst feel uneasy and i wish to be one and only, probably i love him too much, than i should.. -to be continued-

i dont know what u want, what u thinking and feeling..
2 years plus, i cant forgive myself, i should forget..

if i stop dreaming. 11:41 AM +